Josh: I almost said "Godzilla never dies"... but he did.
Buddy: How'd he die?
Me: BIGGIE SHOT 'IM!
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
It’s really weird when some chick talks to you, and she’s easily a -4/10, and she says to you that she’s pregnant, and all you can do is wonder what bet someone lost that made him have to sleep with the beast.
Then again, I’m just really mean and it’s almost midnight, so I just need to make my tea and laugh this off.
How come ugly chicks can get pregnant but I can’t!? >:{
I thought everyone’s computer did that dude.
Whenever I see my gynecologist…
after he’s done inspecting my vagina, he always says, “Thanks for coming in.”
And I always say, “Oh, you too!”
How embarrassing is that?
This will only end in bloodshed.
You can’t deny that there isn’t some truth in this, at least. I’ve heard someone argue that before, and it tripped me out.
Tim Talks to His Penis, part II
Penis: Mmmffmmf.
Tim: Hm? Who could that be?
Penis: Mrrmfph.
Tim: Oh. Is that you, Penis? *unzips pants*
Penis: Hello, Tim. How are you?
Tim: I'm good, Penis. How are you?
Penis: Well... A bit lonely, perhaps. I mean...
Tim: Penis, don't start with me.
Penis: What? Tim, you need to go out and meet chicks, for both your and my sake.
Tim: Nope.
Penis: Well, why not?
Tim: Why you tryin' to bust my balls?
Penis: Oh Tim.
Tim: Oh, Penis.
Penis: *heartfelt smile*
Tim: Well, it's just that... I don't know how to meet girls. Girls are repulsed by me and my incessant rambling, and obsession with clouds and odd facial expressions.
Penis: Tim, don't you understand? That's why girls LOVE you.
Tim: Because... Because clouds?
Penis: No. Because women like to be confused, and thrown off-guard. It turns them on and stuff.
Tim: You're just making that up.
Penis: So?
Tim: You're right! Time to go talk to some ladies!
Penis: And I'll be your wingman!
Tim: No. You remember what happened the last time.
Penis: Oh, right... Public indecency...
Tim: Mo' like "pubic indecency". Amirite?
*Tim and Penis high five or something*
This is what I used to want to be when I grew up.
A bear astronaut.
Makes your dream look a little pathetic, doesn’t it?
I hope you kids out there understand what I have to deal with.
That’s not what you said three nights ago when you were begging for more. We compromised by putting a bag over your face.
Ray. Never. Even if I were white, and gay, and attracted to you, I’d never be attracted to you.
You read that right.
Never.
Ever.
EVER.
The mere thought of it makes me want to hit orphans in the face with shovels, kidnap children and force them to listen to Nickelback, and blow up hospitals, so you know I’m adamant about this.
Never.
I would never.
Okay.
