That’s a wrap, people. Everyone go home. We’re shutting down the Internet.
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
In my perfect circle of Hell, I watch furiously as an old man selects 500 files on a computer, one at a time, instead of selecting them all at once, then right-clicking on them to copy them and paste them onto a flash drive, instead of just dragging them.
You know, how cool would it be if there was some sort of Tumblr Island? And there was a place for all of the hipsters, and the shippers, and every single fandom, and everyone could live in happiness. If everyone from Tumblr just chipped in a few bucks, they could make this happen, and move to this island where everything is Tumblr.
Then, in time, my team will move in and nuke the whole island, restoring peace and balance to the world.
Okay, this was probably the most badass “Breaking Bad” moment I’m going to see in that show.
I got so excited I shouted and got up and did a little dance thing and kept going, “AWWWW SNAP SON SHIT GOT REAL LIKE A MUHFUCKIN’ BAWS”.
So, I made this.
Wish I'd worked up the courage to actually respond with this.
Kelly: I swear to every god ever conceived that if I see an animal abuser, no matter when or where I will make them suffer a fate worse than death.
Tim: *thinking* She's gonna hate me, 'cause I beat tha pussy up.
I wrote a letter to some people.
My friend Saadia found this site about how God hates homosexuals and stuff. You know: Those kind of people. And they even have a list of “gay bands”, or bands that somehow condone or encourage homosexuality, which is ridiculous by itself. But once I saw that they were dissing Barry Manilow, oh no, I had to retaliate.
So, I wrote a letter to some people, pretending that I was gay and using the most sincere form of sarcasm I could muster.
To whom it may concern,
Hello! My name is Tim, and I’ve visited your site for the first time today. I would personally like to thank you for helping me to be a better person. Surely, being the homosexual that I am has brought me nothing but love and care from dear ones I hold special and great friends, and people who accept me for who I am, unlike this God person I should really try harder to please. At first, I would think that since he is all-knowing, he wouldn’t create gays in the first place, but then I thought for a second: Maybe it isn’t this “God” person you and millions of others believe in who creates gays. I had the strangest, yet thought-provoking idea, that gays are actually, in fact, created by a gay God, or Lorenzo, as I like to call him. God creates the straight, “normal” people, and Lorenzo, between interior decorating, appletinis and talking about how cute his little Pomeranian looks in sweaters, creates gay people, then sends them to Earth to eat the firstborn sons of all of the straight people and destroy Wall Street.
Since I drank my last appletini for the night, I decided I was hungry and feasted on a little boy named Derek, who, obviously, was going to grow up to be straight, marry a woman and have plenty of Christian children. I apologize for my appetite, but it’s the pure ones that have a more butterscotch taste.
But, fear not! For after reading your information on how homosexuality is slowly destroying the planet, and not people senselessly fighting over stupid things like religion, I’d realized that it was time I looked at myself and decided that who I want to be and who I am comfortable with is not who I want to be, because I am not comfortable with it. The other day, I was thinking about that “Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so” song, and I’m not really sure why, as I don’t believe it at all, from the ideas you people have that being a certain way is wrong in the eyes of God. But I’ve picked up on the motif in the Bible that Jesus loves everyone, no matter what.
Unless they’re gay, apparently.
Anyway, now that I realize I’m wrong, I would just like to thank you again. The main reason I wanted to write this is to notify you that you have Elton John listed twice in your “Gay Bands” section. If you don’t correct this immediately, I fear that the gay community, much like myself, at first glance of this list, will not take you seriously at all, and will laugh at you and say that you are making your ancestors turn over in their graves. Aside from this easily-fixed mistake, I would just like to thank you again for showing me “God’s way”. Merry Xmas, and happy holidays.
Yours truly (but not in a gay way, because that would be gay),
Timothy Whyte
(P.S. I’m not really gay, but you people do make me throw up in my mouth all the same.)
More news at eleven.
WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA
Guys.
GUYS.
Don’t do this “follow for follow” bullshit.
That’s all it is.
Bullshit.
This guy clearly isn’t interested in the (seemingly) hilarious things I have to say. He just wants more followers.
Don’t be that guy.
Use a condom.
EDIT: Added the last one, because he just replied. I don’t know why I found that so funny.
WHAT.
No.
Nope.
Stop.
No.
NO.
