And then, God said, “Let there be spam accounts so Tim thinks he’s actually getting more followers when, in reality, he still only has his mom.”
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
Looks like I lost another follower. Back down to my original count.
There was a knock at the door.
Man at door: Hey, is Paul home?
Tim: No, I don't think so.
Man at door: All right. *walks away*
Mom: Was that a man with green eyes?
Tim: Green eyes? I don't know, Mom, I was too busy eyeing his package.
Mom: *laughes* You a fool.
Curtains
Mom: Will you help me take my curtains down? I gotta clean cat shit off of it.
Tim: Oh, yeah, sure.
Mom: You smell it?
Tim: No, I'm not smelling it.
Mom: ...
Tim: ...
Mom: ... Intentionally?
Tim: Yes, Mom, intentionally. I know what cat shit smells like. I've heard Lil' Wayne rap.
Mom: That's a good one.
Master Plans, with Tim
Yesterday, I had $20.
I spent… $9.00 on a cheap box of chocolate and $2.59 for a birthday card for my mother, whose birthday is today.
Happy birthday, mother.
I also bought a caramel frappé from McDonald’s, which is, like, $2.60-something or something.
Now I have enough money to buy a day pass for the bus to go to my friend’s dinner, which is cool, because I don’t have enough money to eat, so I plan to show up late and get everyone’s leftovers, like I usually do, without paying for anything.
This is the thinking of a future evil dictator, I’m sure.
I think my mom saw that I was feeling a bit down in the dumps…
… so she got me a beer.
The woman is awesome.
Keepin' it thug.
Emily: My mom just got back.
Tim: Oh, that's nice. Tell her I said, "NIGGUH WHAT'S GOOOOOD?"
Emily: ... What?
Tim: I said tell her I said hi.
Emily: What did you say at first?
Tim: What?
My mom just called me.
She asked if I wanted to share a beer.
No big deal, I guess. My mom’s just pretty chill like that.
Oh, I forgot to mention this.
Today, my girlfriend called me and told me that she went through a bunch of pages of my Tumblr…
With her mother.
^MFW OH GOD
But, everything seemingly went better than expected, because my girlfriend said that her mom thinks I’m funny.
I personally didn’t believe a single words of this, but…
OH GOD WHAT IF SHE READS THIS POST WHY DID I POST THIS OH GOD WHAT DID THEY EVEN READ
*jumps out window*
Wow. Hey. I forgot, I only have a one-story house. That wasn’t too bad. Anyway…
I’m funny.
"You have to find your own path before you ask someone to walk it with you."
—My mother, on marriage
Why can’t I stop making these stupid things.
