Arranging a huge car pile-up on the freeway that somehow spells out “PROM W/ ME?” and telling your crush to watch the news.
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
Fun prank idea: Take your friend’s phone. Remove all phone parts. Place a very tiny man in the receiver. Put the phone back together. Your friend will think he is talking to someone far away, when, in reality, he will be talking to a very tiny man!
Pie and Pete: A new television sitcom about a guy named Pete who has a roommate that is simply a pie. Every day, he fights the urge to eat his roommate while unsuccessfully talking to women and working a dead-end job.
The twist: The pie is actually a cake.
How I Pet Your Mother: A father tells the long, drawn-out story of how he met the mother of his children, who turns out to be a dog. The children, tired of hearing about the countless women their father banged, are now suddenly wide awake at the mention of them being part canine.
Movie Idea: My Friend the Volcano
A boy and a volcano become best friends, but tensions get high when the volcano destroys an entire city and kills thousands of people. But then the volcano helps the boy get a date to the dance, and they both do the Cabbage Patch through the credits.
The Real Housewives of the Moon: Twenty-three minutes of watching women suffocate in outer space while trying to sweep out craters and dust rocks.
Hitch’s Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
Hitch writes dating advice for aliens to help them pick up extra-terrestrial babes.
EDIT: Check ‘em.
Rethought what I might want as a first tattoo. Instead of getting a Mr. Saturn on my left buttcheek, as I had originally planned, I might do something more common, like get the Konami Code somewhere on me. You know, up up down down left right left right B A.
I realized I wanted to do this for two reasons.
- It’s something more timeless than a Mr. Saturn, and it’s a tattoo that I don’t think I’ll regret having on me when I get to be much much older.
- If I meet someone with the same tattoo, holy shit we’re bros for life.
Okay, let me just speak for a minute.
At first glance, you may be wondering, “What the hell is going on here? Why would this even be needed?” Chances are that if you’re thinking this, then you’ve never really cuddled with a girl, or you are a girl, in which case, your arm has never felt the pain of a thousand needles and more numb than my face while I was at that party that one night. Basically, one proper way to cuddle is, well…
It’s like a horizontal hug. And you, the guy, is doing most of the hugging, with your arms wrapped around the girl. Since it’s horizontal, she’s laying on your arm. And trust me, it doesn’t matter how much she weighs, because at the end of it, there will be no blood in your arm, and it’ll look like Edward Cullen’s pale chest, minus all of the shopped abs.
But with this… This will change the world, seriously.
Look at that guy.
He’s enjoying the hell out of that cuddle. Hell, he’s probably so turned on by hugging that boyish-looking woman that stuff’s about to go down. And you know what?
I want that feeling too.
Fin.
Oh this is so cool! One of my hair-brained schemes actually got my picture on the University of the Pacific’s Facebook site! Yeah, to help my friend James (that sexy sexerton in the picture there) with the ladies, I put a “put girl’s phone numbers here” sign on my guitar case, went out by the store on campus, and started singing.
It didn’t really work this week, but we’re hoping that it’ll be better next week.
And hopefully James will get a damn tambourine or something.
SOMEONE TELL ME SOMETHING TO WRITE FOR THE LOVE OF VISHNU.
I don’t remember the last time I actually put a Post-It on my Post-It wall… That’s a scary thought…
Seriously. Anything you want. Just type something, and I’ll put it on my Post-It wall. What should I write on it?
(Pictures work too.)
