purple swag
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
Police Officer 1: Sir, you cannot just jump into the bay.
Man: Why not?
Police Officer 2: The bay is for boats only, sir. That’s very dangerous.
Man: And what if I am a boat?
Police Officer 2: You are clearly not a boat.
Man: I’ve always wanted to be a boat. You can’t try to crush my dreams.
Police Officer 1: We’re not trying to crush your dreams, sir. We’re just looking out for the general public and enforcing laws.
Man: Are you? Because it seems like you’re just trying to ruin my fun.
Police Officer 1: Sir, please, we need you to cooperate.
Man: Let me ask you something.
Police Officer 2: What is it?
Man: When you were a child, did you always want to be a police officer?
Police Officer 1: I don’t think that’s relevant, sir, and…
Man: (to Police Officer 1, snapping) Hush. Let her answer. (to Police Officer 2) Did you always want to be a police officer?
(Police Officer 2 hesitates for a moment)
Man: Answer the question. It’s not a difficult question. I wanted to be a boat. I still want to be a boat. What did you want to be?
(Police Officer 2 is silent, then chokes back tears)
Police Officer 2: N-no. I… didn’t.
Police Officer 1: … Miranda? Are you all ri-…
Police Officer 2: No, I didn’t! I didn’t want to be a police officer, and every time I put on this uniform, I can’t even look at myself! I’ve been living a lie, and I’m disgusted with myself!
Man: That’s right! And what did you want to be?
Police Officer 2: Dammit, I wanted to be a boat too! And nothing’s gonna stop me from living my dream! Not this uniform, and not anything!
(Police Officer 2 strips off her uniform and throws it to the ground. Police Officer 1 bears a shocked look on her face as both Police Officer 2 and Man grab each others’ hands. Police Officer 2 and Man jump into the bay.)
Black Man: The hell did I just watch?
SCENE
Okay, let me just speak for a minute.
At first glance, you may be wondering, “What the hell is going on here? Why would this even be needed?” Chances are that if you’re thinking this, then you’ve never really cuddled with a girl, or you are a girl, in which case, your arm has never felt the pain of a thousand needles and more numb than my face while I was at that party that one night. Basically, one proper way to cuddle is, well…
It’s like a horizontal hug. And you, the guy, is doing most of the hugging, with your arms wrapped around the girl. Since it’s horizontal, she’s laying on your arm. And trust me, it doesn’t matter how much she weighs, because at the end of it, there will be no blood in your arm, and it’ll look like Edward Cullen’s pale chest, minus all of the shopped abs.
But with this… This will change the world, seriously.
Look at that guy.
He’s enjoying the hell out of that cuddle. Hell, he’s probably so turned on by hugging that boyish-looking woman that stuff’s about to go down. And you know what?
I want that feeling too.
Fin.
Just tested it.
Whoever suggested that I eat Cheetos with chopsticks should be awarded the Brobel Peace Prize.
NO CHEESY FINGERS. :D
I just figured out how to stop global warming!
Text me and I’ll tell you my plan.
Genius. Pure genius.
So, I’m chillin’ in my dorm, right? Doin’ nothin’ but lookin’ at cats on the Interwebz, when this ol’ beezy named God decides she’s lonely. So, I skate over to the library, where God usually hangs out, and search for her through the entire library, because ol’ dude wasn’t answerin’ my texts. Damn that God.
Anyway, finally found her, and we was in the media room and stuff when this ol’ busted ass dude come in and ask me if we collaboratin’ on a project.
Pfft. I almost kicked his teeth in. But, I said no, being a good, honest boy, like I was raised to be. He told me I had to bounce to make room for other people who wanted to use the media room, so I bounced.
And I devised a plan.
Ate dinner, went back to my room,and came back with this bad boy:
I swear, the same guy who told me to beat it last time didn’t say NOTHIN’ to me this time. Also, I changed my hat, so that might have had something to do with it.
