Portrait

Hate mail goes here.

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I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.

The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.

I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.

Friday, August 10, 2012 @ 1:40 pm

Discussing fast food with my dad's friend.

Dad: You know what's good? Five Guys.
Dad's Friend: I've never done Five Guys.
Tim: ... What about you doing five guys?
Dad's Friend: Nah, see, you hearin' somethin' else. I never did five guys. I put five guys to sleep.
Tim: ... You slept with five guys?
Dad's Friend: Says the guy with skinny jeans on.
Tim: Yeah, but I've never done anything with guys. I'm straight.
Dad's Friend: Neither have I. I put five guys to sleep with my fists.
Tim: ... You fisted five guys?
Dad's Friend: ...
Posted 9 months ago
#life #conversation #fast #food #lol
27 notes
Thursday, June 28, 2012 @ 12:58 pm

Discussing fast food with my dad's friend.

Dad: You know what's good? Five Guys.
Dad's Friend: I've never done Five Guys.
Tim: ... What about you doing five guys?
Dad's Friend: Nah, see, you hearin' somethin' else. I never did five guys. I put five guys to sleep.
Tim: ... You slept with five guys?
Dad's Friend: Says the guy with skinny jeans on.
Tim: Yeah, but I've never done anything with guys. I'm straight.
Dad's Friend: Neither have I. I put five guys to sleep with my fists.
Tim: ... You fisted five guys?
Dad's Friend: ...
Posted 10 months ago
#life #conversation #fast #food #lol
27 notes
Sunday, April 1, 2012 @ 8:44 pm

Well, that confirms it. (My nephew is taking a bath)

Tim: Mind if I pee?
Nephew: Sure. We're both boys.
Tim: You're right, and we have the same parts.
Nephew: Yup.
Tim: So, if I were a girl, I couldn't pee while you were in the tub?
Nephew: Nope.
Tim: Oh.
Nephew: ...
Tim: So when do you think you'll see a girl naked?
Nephew: Never.
Tim: ... Well, all right then.
Posted 1 year ago
#nephew #kids #children #lol #funny #conversation
2 notes
Thursday, March 22, 2012 @ 3:35 pm

Discussing fast food with my dad's friend.

Dad: You know what's good? Five Guys.
Dad's Friend: I've never done Five Guys.
Tim: ... What about you doing five guys?
Dad's Friend: Nah, see, you hearin' somethin' else. I never did five guys. I put five guys to sleep.
Tim: ... You slept with five guys?
Dad's Friend: Says the guy with skinny jeans on.
Tim: Yeah, but I've never done anything with guys. I'm straight.
Dad's Friend: Neither have I. I put five guys to sleep with my fists.
Tim: ... You fisted five guys?
Dad's Friend: ...
Posted 1 year ago
#life #conversation #fast #food #lol
27 notes
Monday, March 5, 2012 @ 12:17 pm

So, I just realized why people don't like me.

Zyania: howdy
Tim: Well, hello there, blue eyes. How goes it?
Zyania: i has brown eyes
Tim: That's what I meant, green eyes.
Zyania: :(
Tim: What's the matter? I don't like to see those nice hazel eyes water.
Zyania: D':
Tim: You know, all these years, I could have sworn you had brown eyes. Isn't that funny?
Zyania: yes, who'd have thunk it
Tim: No kidding. Huh. So, how are you, blondie?
Zyania: i'm ginger
Zyania: YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!!
Zyania: D:
Tim: Of course I do, Kathy! I like to think I know a lot about you.
Zyania: bye!
Tim: Bye.
Posted 1 year ago
#friends #Facebook #chat #conversation #lol
2 notes
Sunday, February 26, 2012 @ 1:35 pm

Study Date (Messing With Cassie, Part II)

Cassie: Can I come over around 11?
Tim: Yeah, sure, 11:30 sounds great.
Cassie: Haha so 11:30? You want me to come later?
Tim: Yeah, no, I think 11:15 is perfect.
Cassie: Oh m g. What time?
Tim: Dude, I was cool with when you said 11:45 the first time.
Cassie: Tim. I confused.
Tim: ...
Cassie: Kay. I'll come at 12.
Tim: 12 sounds great, thank you.
Posted 1 year ago
#friends #conversation
1 note
Friday, December 16, 2011 @ 10:47 pm

Friendly Chat With My Ex-Girlfriend.

Tim: Hey, quick question.
Ex-Girlfriend: Yeah?
Tim: And I don't know if it'll be awkward or something you don't want to answer, but it's kind of about, umm... us...
Ex-Girlfriend: Okay...
Tim: Okay, here goes... Have you ever herped so hard... you derped?
Ex-Girlfriend: I hate you.
Tim: I know.
Posted 1 year ago
#ex #ex-girlfriend #chat #conversation #herp #derp #mad #hate
22 notes
Thursday, November 17, 2011 @ 4:52 pm

It’s been a while, website.

So, my ex-girlfriend called me, and I said she was “dense”. She started getting all buttfrustrated that I called her “stupid” (though the word I used was “dense”, and by that, I meant that she had a lot of atoms or something), so she called me “chicken legs”.

I hung up the phone, because that was mean as hell, and she deserves to be hit with an empty box a few times for that.

She called back, and I immediately said, “I don’t have to deal with this!” Her response:

“Hello, limbs of poultry.”

I hung up again, then turned off my phone. About fifteen minutes later, I turned my phone back on and forgot why I was so mad at her, then read the first part of this post again and turned my phone back off.

This calls for egg nog.

Posted 1 year ago
#life #ex-girlfriend #what #conversation #phone #personal #story
20 notes
Wednesday, August 31, 2011 @ 5:21 pm

My friend's roommate takes over for him on chat.

Tori: alans being emotional
Tori: this is his roommate and he is acting like a chic right now
Tim: So everything's normal. Got it, thank you. I'm Tim. Nice to almost meet you.
Tori: haha im tori! nice to almost meet you to
Tim: Tori. That's a nice name. Is it Greek? Italian? Russian? South Dakotan?
Tori: well thanks its atlatian
Tim: NO WAY.
Tori: yupp(:
Tim: Okay, wait, I have an uncle from Atlantis, and he told me that he was the last of his kind and that the whole city like sunk and shit, but then I was like, "But wait, why did you live? And wouldn't you pass on your Atlantian blood? Plus, grandpa's still alive, so he would technically..." And then my uncle told me to shut up and clean my room, so I did. Still pretty sure he's full of it, though. Do you have gills?
Tori: *doesn't respond*
Alan: So apparently you just game set and matched my room mate. haha
Posted 1 year ago
#friend #life #roommate #lol #conversation #wut #dafuq
1 note
Monday, August 15, 2011 @ 6:18 pm

Keepin' it thug.

Emily: My mom just got back.
Tim: Oh, that's nice. Tell her I said, "NIGGUH WHAT'S GOOOOOD?"
Emily: ... What?
Tim: I said tell her I said hi.
Emily: What did you say at first?
Tim: What?
Posted 1 year ago
#Emily #Pancake #conversation #lol #nigga #mom
Notes
Saturday, July 23, 2011 @ 6:32 pm

Tim Talks to His Penis (please don't read this)

Penis: Mmmrff frmm phmmmh.
Tim: *looks around* Oh, is that you, Penis? *unzips pants*
Penis: Hello, Tim. Yes, it is I, your penis.
Tim: Hello, Penis. How are you doing this fine day?
Penis: I suppose I'm fine. You?
Tim: Well, I could be better, but I could be worse, so I'm okay.
Penis: Excellent. Well, actually, I was concerned with something...
Tim: What is it, Penis? What seems to be the trouble?
Penis: Well... I don't want to be a dick...
Tim: Tee hee. Oh, Penis, you are a card.
Penis: But on a more serious note, Tim... I'm a little concerned that you've been a bit lonely lately. Am I correct in assuming this?
Tim: I guess, but you don't understand, Penis. It feels like I'm losing people in my life, one by one. And I know they're not gone forever, but it's hard to feel like your friends are close when they're moving farther and farther away. I just miss people, that's all. And it doesn't feel like I have too many people left who I really, well... like.
Penis: I understand, Tim.
Tim: And I suppose it's also the recent relationship change.
Penis: That's what I meant.
Tim: What?
Penis: Tim, I know you're lonely, but...
Tim: ... Yes?
Penis: Tim, I can only take so much. And your left hand can be a bit brutal sometimes. Just... Please go find a vagina. I have needs too, Tim.
Tim: Dammit, Penis, you're right. I've been selfish this whole time, when it was you who was hurting all along as well. We'll make it through this together, don't you worry, Penis.
Penis: Tim?
Tim: Yes, Penis?
Penis: You're my best friend.
Tim: Well, Penis, when it comes to best friends, we can't be beat.
Penis: Ha ha, maybe YOU can't be beat!
Tim: OH PENIS HA HA HA.
*heartfelt hug, cut to black*
Posted 1 year ago
#talking #to #penis #lol #wut #dafuq #conversation #fiction #stupid #incredibly
9 notes
Thursday, July 21, 2011 @ 5:28 pm

How I suspect this conversation would go.

Me: So, what's the movie called?
Them: "Friends With Benefits".
Me: ... So what's it about?
Them: Friends... with benefits...
Me: That sounds... I mean, that might be... it could be... it sounds like it could... Let's just go see "Larry Crowne" again.
Posted 1 year ago
#conversation #fictional #Friends #With #Benefits #movies #lame
5 notes
Tuesday, May 24, 2011 @ 7:15 pm

Conversation With My Old Film Production Teacher!

Tim: You gonna be in school any time this week?
Film Teacher: On Wednesday and Thursday, homie.
Tim: Yaaaaaaaaay! I'll be there. How ya feelin'? Better? I heard you got yo ass whooped.
Film Teacher: What? By who? I was sick, homie. Ain't nobody kickin' shit.
Tim: Nah, dawg. I heard you got yo ass handed to you by some Girl Scouts after you tried to "five-finger discount" their cookies.
Film Teacher: I woulda took 'em, homie.
Tim: Riiiiiiight... Why don't you prove it then?
Film Teacher: *no answer*
Game. Set. Match.
Posted 2 years ago
#teacher #text #conversation #beautiful #lol #Girl Scouts #cookies #sick #fight
Notes
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