Happy New Year, grainy picture of fake mustaches edition.
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
See, Saadia?
Smiling.
xoxosaadia replied to your photo: Oh, by the way, Ned’s practically dead. I mean,…
Wow, a whole month. How long did I originally say you would last? Well, I’m proud of you. You’ve done more parenting in a month than your brother has done in five years… If we ever get married, we’re not having kids.
I’m sorry, I just had to bold that part, because that is the greatest thing that I’ve heard anyone say in quite some time.
Your trophy’s in the mail. It should arrive after I get mine for the work I put into Ned. :D
I hope you kids out there understand what I have to deal with.
That’s not what you said three nights ago when you were begging for more. We compromised by putting a bag over your face.
Ray. Never. Even if I were white, and gay, and attracted to you, I’d never be attracted to you.
You read that right.
Never.
Ever.
EVER.
The mere thought of it makes me want to hit orphans in the face with shovels, kidnap children and force them to listen to Nickelback, and blow up hospitals, so you know I’m adamant about this.
Never.
I would never.
Okay.
This couldn’t have been more perfect. Saadia, I’ve been saving this for a time like today. Read. Read it. Do it. Seriously. Hilarious.
Or, at least, I thought it was.
And slowly, things are going back to the way they were.
Probably all dem damn questions last night, lofl. :3
EDIT: I don’t even know three of them.
"Put down the pizza? If I had an actual pizza, I’d eat it in one bite just to show you that your statement is the most ridiculous thing ever typed. Never put down a pizza. There’s starving children in Africa or some shit."
—Someone told Saadia not to eat a pizza.
"Can you break up with Fern already? I’m over it."
—Saadia, because you should end relationships when your friends are over them.
Saadia doesn't want me to get married.
Saadia: So you're getting married?
Tim: Oh... Well, you're still invited to the wedding.
Saadia: I'm gonna rip her fucking hair out.
Tim: ... You're still invited to the wedding.
Saadia: I will rip the dress off of her and beat her with it. She won't even be able to say "I do" after I'm done with her.
Tim: Okay... You're still invited to he wedding.
Saadia: Please don't marry her. It would just break my little heart.
Tim: Oh, hold on a second. *picks up phone* Hello? Wait... What!? No, wait a minute, I'm sure that... No, the universe is heliocentric... What? You mean they've found new evidence proving that Saadia is the center of the universe? I'll have to call you back.
Saadia: Fuck you.
Oh hey! If anyone was curious as to what the term “best friends” means.
It means that people drive all the way from Texas to your house who plan on staying with you for two weeks, but also bring two surprises for you.
One was a new pair of metal drum sticks, which was just beautifully epic.
The other, though, was odd, because they told me to get dressed. I got in the car, and we drove down the street to Papa John’s Pizza, because they somehow already ordered a pizza and were picking it up.
So, one friend goes into the store and picks up the pizza, then comes back and hands it to me to hold. I get one whiff and the biggest smile comes on my face.
(Get ready to be disgusted.)
“… Oh my god I know that smell.”
They’re already aware that I’m excited out of my puny, prepubescent mind.
“… Anchovies.”
Sure enough, they got a pizza that was half-anchovy, because those assholes not only listen to me, but must love the crap out of me, because this is the happiest I’ve been in a while.
Tony and Saadia are amazing.
AND YES I LIKE ANCHOVY PIZZA DON’T HATE DAMMIT.
