I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
First and foremost, I’m gonna tell you right now that I’m too important of a person to stand up when I pee. I’m royalty, and I want to feel like royalty.
That being said, I know I’m not the only one who sits on the toilet for so long that I instinctively wipe my bottom because I forgot what I was in the bathroom for.
"It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom."
—my new favorite quote from my new favorite commercial
Now, when that bad thing does happen, you all can say that you saw it coming as well.
OH COME ON WHAT IS WITH THIS HOUSE AND TOILET PAPER MUST THIS HAPPEN TO ME SO MANY TIMES IN ONE WEEK GOODNESS
It’s one of those times where I wish it was socially acceptable to take a picture of the dump I just took and post it.
Ironically, I also occasionally take dumps in the library.
I don’t know how many times this has happened to me, while I had the exact same reaction.
I’d say maybe six.
THOUSAND.
