December 2010
I love my mother.
Mom: (unenthusiastically) I gotta go pick up my check from work. Are you going somewhere?
Tim: Hm? No.
Mom: (as if on her death bed) Would you like to drive me to work?
Tim: (smiling) ... Not if you're gonna be an asshole about it.
Mom: O:
Tim and Mom: *laughs*
Tim: Yeah, lemme throw on some pants.
“And grab your pillow… ‘CAUSE YOU GONNA BE SLEEPIN’ WITH THE...”
– Tim, threatening to murder his nephew over drug money
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“Surround yourself with people who believe in you. You are better off alone than...”
– (via ultraterry)
I am so glad I am not in shark infested waters.
ultraterry:
Guess what time it is? TIME OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ MONTH. Who is ready for Terry to be a bitch for a whole damn week?
OMFG dying. Usually, it’s not entertaining to announce such matters, but somehow, you pull it off, Terweee.
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This should disturb you.
Tim: You're just jealous because I could probably bounce a quarter off of my ass.
Mom: My ass hangs so low, I could probably pick a quarter off the ground.
Tim: You could probably mop up a floor with it.
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This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've... →
Oh, it WAS. I was almost in as many tears as the woman who lost her cat.
Win.
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Facebook is bullshit.
The Meaning of Your Name: T - Timothy, your first name I - As in an individual person M - Male? O - Opaque. That’s a good one. T - Timothy again. H - Hawt. Y - Your name is too long for this shit.
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Mom: Are these yours?
Tim: ...
Mom: ...
Tim: ... Those are sweats.
Mom: Yeah, you know, just to kick around the house in.
Tim: I could just kick around the house in my sleeper pants.
Mom: Well, do they fit you?
Tim: I don't wanna be lookin' like no doo-doo mama!
Mom: A doo-doo what?
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That awkward moment where you finally unfollow all...
Okay. Changed my mind.
I’m only gonna blog about the amazing days I have (which, you’d think would be every day, since my life is so uber exciting, right?). These days include, but are not limited to, at the moment:
Midnight Stroll to Denny’s w/Terweee
Getting Lost on the way to AND back from Emily’s w/Buddy
Breakfast With Tony w/Tony (lawl)
Melee and Brawl w/Melanie, Buddy, Numani and...
Detective Conan: Mindfucker
whatevernon:
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Your gun went off. Well, you shot off your mouth,...
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I'd like to give a shoutout...
… to a few people.
A Mr. Anthony, Mrs. Tamantha, Ms. Stephanie and a Ms. Melanie.
I am currently on the toilet, and my stomach is freaking out like it’s in a horror movie, not knowing what the hell is going on.
So, uhh, thanks guys. Thanks a frackin’ lot.
Oohhhh, geez, here it comes…
“You should say that you left your stove in the hospital after you had to babysit...”
– Tim, on making excuses
From an early age...
Toolum (Nephew): Gay. Gay. Gay gay gay. Gaaaaay.
Tim: No, no, you shouldn't be saying that.
Toolum: Why?
Tim: Well, for starters, you're not using it correctly.
Toolum: What's "gay"?
Tim: Well, it's... it's sort of like a boy liking another boy.
Toolum: ... But I like you!
Tim: It's a little bit different...
Toolum: No, it's the same. We're both have curly hair.
Tim: I didn't want to be the one who explains this to you...
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I just realized...
I have, like, no chick friends, aside from a few, that I can really call up and hang out with. Like, even in a platonic way. Probably because every member of the female species is totally repulsed by me no girl is cool enough to “get” me.
Maybe I need a house plant.
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