I love my mother.
Mom: (unenthusiastically) I gotta go pick up my check from work. Are you going somewhere?
Tim: Hm? No.
Mom: (as if on her death bed) Would you like to drive me to work?
Tim: (smiling) ... Not if you're gonna be an asshole about it.
Tim and Mom: *laughs*
Tim: Yeah, lemme throw on some pants.
And grab your pillow… ‘CAUSE YOU GONNA BE SLEEPIN’ WITH THE...– Tim, threatening to murder his nephew over drug money
Surround yourself with people who believe in you. You are better off alone than...– (via ultraterry)
I am so glad I am not in shark infested waters.
ultraterry: Guess what time it is? TIME OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ MONTH. Who is ready for Terry to be a bitch for a whole damn week? OMFG dying. Usually, it’s not entertaining to announce such matters, but somehow, you pull it off, Terweee.
This should disturb you.
Tim: You're just jealous because I could probably bounce a quarter off of my ass.
Mom: My ass hangs so low, I could probably pick a quarter off the ground.
Tim: You could probably mop up a floor with it.
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've... →
Oh, it WAS. I was almost in as many tears as the woman who lost her cat. Win.
Facebook is bullshit.
The Meaning of Your Name: T - Timothy, your first name I - As in an individual person M - Male? O - Opaque. That’s a good one. T - Timothy again. H - Hawt. Y - Your name is too long for this shit.
Mom: Are these yours?
Tim: ... Those are sweats.
Mom: Yeah, you know, just to kick around the house in.
Tim: I could just kick around the house in my sleeper pants.
Mom: Well, do they fit you?
Tim: I don't wanna be lookin' like no doo-doo mama!
Mom: A doo-doo what?
That awkward moment where you finally unfollow all...
Okay. Changed my mind.
I’m only gonna blog about the amazing days I have (which, you’d think would be every day, since my life is so uber exciting, right?). These days include, but are not limited to, at the moment: Midnight Stroll to Denny’s w/Terweee Getting Lost on the way to AND back from Emily’s w/Buddy Breakfast With Tony w/Tony (lawl) Melee and Brawl w/Melanie, Buddy, Numani and...
Detective Conan: Mindfucker
Your gun went off. Well, you shot off your mouth,...
I'd like to give a shoutout...
… to a few people. A Mr. Anthony, Mrs. Tamantha, Ms. Stephanie and a Ms. Melanie. I am currently on the toilet, and my stomach is freaking out like it’s in a horror movie, not knowing what the hell is going on. So, uhh, thanks guys. Thanks a frackin’ lot. Oohhhh, geez, here it comes…
You should say that you left your stove in the hospital after you had to babysit...– Tim, on making excuses
From an early age...
Toolum (Nephew): Gay. Gay. Gay gay gay. Gaaaaay.
Tim: No, no, you shouldn't be saying that.
Tim: Well, for starters, you're not using it correctly.
Toolum: What's "gay"?
Tim: Well, it's... it's sort of like a boy liking another boy.
Toolum: ... But I like you!
Tim: It's a little bit different...
Toolum: No, it's the same. We're both have curly hair.
Tim: I didn't want to be the one who explains this to you...
I just realized...
I have, like, no chick friends, aside from a few, that I can really call up and hang out with. Like, even in a platonic way. Probably because every member of the female species is totally repulsed by me no girl is cool enough to “get” me. Maybe I need a house plant.