I keep looking down at my feet to see how they are doing. I move them freely, without effort, but it feels as though they’re cemented into the ground, and everyone is moving at twice their normal speed by me, not even stopping to look back as they pass me by. I look at my feet to find that they’re still bare and above-ground. They still feel the same. My normal smooth feet, with a bit of hair on them. I just can’t help but wonder why they won’t move anymore.
I passed a pill bug that was stuck on its back, and without thinking, I bent over and flipped him. If it could talk, it would have probably thanked me, but I felt really good about it anyway. That’s why I think I should be the next president of the United States.
The name's Tim. Nice to meet you, maybe.
I play guitar, sing silly songs, write stuff, draw shitty pictures and make people on the Internet mad on a professional level. I drink a lot of tea and write letters to pen pals. I also think about death a lot.
A good accurate way of measuring how truly happy you are in life is by finding the interval between right now and the last time you had a S’more. The bigger the time period, the more unhappy you are.
SOURCE: I am a person who studies that thing.
Excuse me for asking, but is there already a porno parody called “Dick Squad” featuring male porn actors named Cocka Flocka and Coochie Mane? Because that’s gonna have to happen sooner rather than later.
Anonymous asked: Sext: My dick has mutton chops.
I’ve had this in my inbox for a while, and I think it was finally time that the world saw it.
[Just lost a (probably cat-loving) follower.]
We as humans need to stop laughing at videos and pictures of cats. They don’t know that some of the stuff they’re doing is funny. They’re just trying to live, and we’re smothering them with stupid Internet fame. We need to stop paying so much attention to cats and live our own lives. Cats don’t care about us. We need to do the same.
30,515 Plays
So I kind of left audacity running while I took a shower.
HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA
(via snugglebot)
I was walking back from the store a few minutes ago, and some girl asked if I had a phone she could borrow. I let her borrow it and helped her figure out how to dial on it, as I have to do with everyone who uses my phone, and then it rang for a few seconds. I heard a voice say “Greetings, Agent 4C.” And all she said was “Greetings. The target has been neutralized.” And then she threw my phone in the street. Shortly after, a car ran it over. Before she left, she looked at me and said, “Thank you. A new phone will be shipped to you in about three business days.” A black car pulled up, and she opened the passenger side door and sped off.
I’ve got to stop letting people use my phone.
You guys, I haven’t seen William on here in a while. Did one of you eat him?
I didn’t want to have to be the one to tell you this, but…
Chunk deleted.
RIP in peace.
You can beat me at any fighting game, or first person shooter, or whatever. You can be better at Solitaire. You might be better at video games than me altogether. I don’t care. But if you ever turn on Tetris Attack and think you have even the SLIGHTEST chance of winning, then your parent or guardian raised a damn fool.
I wish I could just be fire or lightning or some other sort of plasma or energy for a day.
